Mann, this sucked: "Miami Vice"

Seriously, if you ever wanted to better appreciate those two "Charlie's Angels" movies, this is the film for you. (I didn't think they were so bad anyway. Really.)

I had no illusions that this update/adaptation of the seminal '80s series would be bad. From conception to execution, everything screamed "dud." I vaguely recall some mediocre reviews last year, but that didn't make a difference. I don't care how respectable Jamie Foxx has become ... you ain't getting me to put down hard-earned money to see some drunk Irishman try to fill Don Johnson's shoes.

But hey, if it's going to be on HBO, I guess I can see just how bad Colin Farrell is, and how big a mistake Michael Mann has made.

Our story is nominally the same as 20-odd years ago. Sonny Crockett and Ricardo Tubbs are South Florida vice cops itching to bust some drug dealers. They're part of a crew with the names you know and love: Trudy, Gina, Switek, Zito and, yes, Castillo. The bad guys are again Colombians. And, of course, there are fast cars, fast boats and fast bullets.

There's maybe a little more to the story -- Tubbs and Trudy are involved, Crockett falls for a Chinese woman working with the baddies, some white supremacists are involved -- but for the most part it's not so different from the whole "vice cops in deep" thing that the original series frequently showcased. Well, except for one thing: This version blows.

Let us count the ways. Foxx is restrained and largely punchless. Farrell growls and comes across more dopey than dangerous. The cops' supporting crew is just there. The bad guys are laughable and not in a good way. The Chinese woman (Gong Li) is hard to understand. Get the picture?

Maybe you don't, because the whole movie apparently was shot in the dead of night. Yeah, it's dark all the damn time in "Miami Vice," which is pretty much an insult to the original. Remember all the sun, bright colors and general paradise-type scenery? And how that made the violence and seedy side of working vice resonate that much more? We get none of that here. Instead, it's just a bunch of night shots, indoor shots ... any opportunity to just have people mumbling or growling at each other in dim light.

It's a shame, too, because Mann, we know, can do much better. Yes, he was the guy behind the original "Miami Vice," but he's proven himself as a bonafide movie director, too. "Heat," "The Insider," "Ali," "Collateral" ... not a bad decade, you have to admit. But while the new "Vice" has a lot of Mann elements, it doesn't add up to much. Actually, it was boring. If only they had gotten these guys back into the mix.

(Want to have even more fun? Check out Philip Michael Thomas' bio page here. Whoa, baby. If you don't have time, just consider these three priceless pieces of advice:

1. Look deep into the mirror of your soul and discover a wonderful truth, the greatest book you'll ever know is written and lived by you.
2. Once you get to the mountain top that's where you really begin to climb.
3. Some people never live a day in a lifetime. I live a lifetime in a day.

That is, as long as Don Johnson is taking my calls.)