Finally, a movie for absolutely nobody: "The Adventures of Pluto Nash"

You know how it is. When a movie that makes a strong bid for the biggest flop ever finds its way onto your cable system, you pretty much have to watch. Since I've seen "Battlefield Earth" -- um, twice -- and am still waiting for "Gigli," we're left with this Eddie Murphy "vehicle."

I actually remember when this movie came out five years ago. I saw a newspaper ad for it and was scratching my head. Why haven't I heard about this? Where have the trailers been for this movie? I soon learned the quick backstory about how "Pluto Nash" cost a lot of dough but was really bad. Since then, the movie's distinction of being the biggest financial loser ever -- $100 mil to make, less than $5 mil gross -- has become legend. But hey, how bad it is really?

Bad. Really bad. "Hudson Hawk" bad.

Our story has Murphy as a nightclub owner on the Moon about 80 years into the future. OK, sure. As it happens, some heavy hitters want to buy him out, but Pluto ain't having it. Too bad, since the club then goes bye-bye in a big bang. That leads Pluto and Co. -- a pity-me Rosario Dawson and Randy "I look like John Locke from 'Lost'" Quaid (Pluto's robot bodyguard) -- on a quest for answers, and ultimately to a big ol' twist ending that is no stupid I that my dog started laughing.

It hasn't been that long since I sat through this debacle, and already I've lost track of the myriad ways in which it sucks. It's got a "Men in Black" feel yet has no neato special effects to speak of. The jokes fall flat. The story is absurd (and not in a go-with-it way). Quaid is annoying. Murphy is annoying. Jay Mohr is annoying. Joe Pantoliano is bored. Many normally credible supporting players -- Luis Guzman, John Cleese, Pam Grier, Peter Boyle, Burt Young -- are wasted. And so on and so forth.

The best part about "Pluto Nash?" Trying to figure out this movie's target audience. There are attempts at humor, but it fails as a comedy. There's some bang-bang, but it fails as an action movie. It takes place on the Moon, but it fails as a sci-fi flick. Murphy is in it, but it fails as a Murphy movie. Get the picture? It's like they took a bunch of stuff from a bunch of '90s movies and worked hard to figure out how to not make it all work. Hell, even the music blew.

Like I said -- and like it is with any really, really bad movie -- it's hard to capture the true crapfest that danced across my TV screen. If you really want to have fun, though, check out the message boards on IMDB. Not because people are panning "Pluto." No, you'll find people posting stuff like "This wasn't so bad" or "I actually liked it!" Did I say "people?" My bad. I meant "dipsh*ts."