I've got HD channels, dammit, and I'm going to get my money's worth

No dancing around it. If I'm going to watch movies in part because they've floated across my flatscreen in high-definition glory, you're going to have to listen to me ramble about them. Don't worry, though, just two for you today.

No, really, you can sit down: "Last Man Standing"

Not sure it's accurate to say I was intrigued by this movie as much as I wanted to see how a smirking Bruce Willis would play a stoic antihero in a quasi-Western. Sound like a mess? It wasn't. It was just boring.

In this adaptation of "Yojimbo" and "A Fistful of Dollars," Willis strolls into a desert town where two gangs are at war. With nothing better to do, our rogue decides to play both sides off each other while running into women-in-need on both side. Oh, he's an honorable one, our Bruno.

I knew this was likely to be weak going in but hoped there was some pulp/cult potential. I mean, you've got Walter Hill at the helm, plus his favorite actor David Patrick Kelly and character guys William Sanderson and Michael Imperioli. You also have the incomparable Christopher Walken and Bruce Dern. Alas, all that is far from enough. Hell, Walken is downright laughable, and not in his Walkenesque way. I mean, what's with that scar, Chrissy?

Throw in Willis' cheesy narration, and this would-be shoot-em-up is no good all the way around. Looks OK, I guess, but I was checking my watch less than halfway through and grimacing at multiple scenes after that. Sounds like a winner, right?

Yes! Yes! Yes!: "Flash Gordon"

Sidebar before we begin: Did any other geeks besides me see there was a new "Flash Gordon" series on the Sci-Fi Channel? After becoming a devoted fan of the reinvented, very excellent "Battlestar Galactica" -- seriously, it's good -- I figured I'd give the new "Flash" a shot. One pilot and half of another episode later, I was out. A quick Google search of reviews confirmed I wasn't the only one sunk by this tripe's suckage.

Now on to more important stuff, such as .... the 1980 "Flash Gordon" in glorious HDTV! (Pause. Catch breath. Calm down.) Hey, you know I'm not one for exclamation points (aside from sarcasm, of course). But after the bastardization of this movie I watched almost two years ago, it was nothing short of heaven-sent to see one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasures pop up on a high-def channel. Don't tell my wife, but it may have to get "Save Until Manually Erased Status" for a while ... or forever. I love the movie that much.

You know and love the story: Pro football player from Earth -- "Flash Gordon, Quarterback, New York Jets" -- ends up in rocket with cute girl and mad scientist, and they end up on Mongo, where Ming the Merciless wants to destroy Earth. Flash and friends learn about Mongo's kingdoms and meet such fun guys as Barin and Vultan, and eventually Flash takes down Ming. Oh, sorry ... spoiler alert.

One could argue that there are various redeeming qualities, i.e. director Mike Hodges made some decent movies such as "Get Carter" and "Croupier" or the soundtrack kicks ass or Princess Aura's pet went on to become the Oompa Loompa guy in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." But really, you either embrace this silliness full-force or you don't. Clearly I'm beyond the point of no return. Don't believe me? Check the updated profile photo to the right. What can I say?

He's for every one of us!

Stand for every one of us!

He'll save
With a mighty hand
Every man
Every woman
Every child
With a mighty
Flash!

(Impressed? I thought so.)