I'm special (special!) ... so special (special!): "The Ringer"

Come on ... The Pretenders? Anybody?

Here's what I learned from this "movie": Working with the Special Olympics apparently lets you off the hook for a patently offensive premise. It doesn't, however, absolve you of not being funny.

Why did I even give "The Ringer," a story about a guy who lies about being challenged so he can rig the Special Olympics, a chance? After all, I clearly remember my friend Tex sending an e-mail about it way before its release with a message along the lines of "What has the world come to?" So yes, there was no chance I'd pay money to see Johnny Knoxville fake retardation. Stick with diving into a port-a-john, bud.

But when the movie popped up on HBO, I recalled a radio interview with the Farrelly brothers, who produced the movie. First, I generally like the Farrellys. Even lackluster efforts like "Shallow Hal" and "Stuck of You" have their amusing parts, and I regard "Kingpin" as a work of genius -- a better bowling movie than "The Big Lebowski," even. Second, there was that "we got the Special Olympics on board" thing. OK, I thought, let's see just how this all worked out.

The answer: not well. No, not well at all. I'm tempted to say I appreciated the effort, but, no, I didn't. They owe me 94 minutes. Well, maybe 80 minutes. The 14 minutes Katherine Heigl was on screen was tolerable. She's easier on the eyes than Knoxville, who has never not looked hungover. I guess that's what jumping out of moving cars will do to you after a while.

Our plot, if you can call it that, has Knoxville as a working stiff who suddenly has to pay to have his company's janitor's severed fingers reattached. (Don't ask. I can't bear to spend more time on this truly lame setup.) His uncle -- Brian Cox, officially abandoning his last shred of dignity -- convinces him to enter the Special Olympics, where he'll supposedly beat the regular champion, thereby allowing his uncle to win a big bet. Hilarious, right?

Now I'll grant you that the athletes at the Olympics are a game supporting crew, and have some pretty funny moments. That is, if you're convinced that you're laughing with them, not at them. Sadly, I wasn't. First, Knoxville's character knowing this is wrong obviously doesn't forgive the overall premise. Second, when it comes to the plot, a few challenged people in on the joke doesn't really make the joke OK. Third, and back to the casting of this picture ... some of these guys weren't challenged! That's right, they were acting, just like Johnny, who at least was acting within his role. I don't know, just rubbed me the wrong way.

But not nearly as much as how unfunny the movie was overall. Even the outcome of the competition, meant to be upbeat, rings hollow. That, however, is positively Scorsesian compared to the hamhanded romance between Knoxville and Heigl, who almost certainly must regret this now that she's riding the "Grey's Anatomy" gravy train. True, she didn't have much to her credit before this. But to think "The Ringer" was a good move? That's just retarded.