It's horrible, yet I can't look away

I've actually seen a few movies recently and hope to venture to Ye Olde Cinema House this weekend. Meanwhile, it's time to come clean about a chronic problem: watching crap more than once simply because it's on HBO.

What you're about to read is Exhibit No. 1 for why I really should cancel HBO, especially with a kid on the way. (Because, you know, with a baby you can really start saving money.) Oh, sure, I see plenty of real movies, including some I've never seen before. I've got the original version of "The Desperate Hours" (not the Mickey Rourke laugher) recorded from HBO Signature, and My One True Love and I stumbled across "Sixteen Candles" on HBO Comedy the other night.

Alas, other movies continue to show up on one or more of our many HBO channels, and for some reason I seem to click on them and spend a few minutes killing more than a few brain cells. I'm not talking about accepted guilty pleasures such as "Road House" or solid comedies such as "Wedding Crashers." What am I talking about? Well ...

S.W.A.T.
This hasn't been on for a while, but when it was I couldn't help flipping to it just to see what was going on at that moment. No good explanation for this, especially since I think Colin Farrell by and large sucks. Maybe it was LL Cool J and Michelle Rodriguez, or that guy from "Unfaithful" hamming it up as the villain offering big money for anyone who breaks him out of jail. In any case, this movie is bad, even with all the bang-bang, and I'm more than a little ashamed.

Bully
This truly depressing tale seems to pop up every 12-18 months and will cure anyone who thinks Florida is just sun and fun. Larry Clark, who gave us "Kids," presents a bunch of deadbeat kids, centered around a punk who terrorizes his "best friend," the friend's girlfriend and others before getting his comeuppance. Plenty of nudity and sex, much of it unpleasant. Yet this is so much of a train wreck, with so many uncomfortable scenes, that I must be subconsciously testing myself whenever I think, "Hey, 'Bully' is on!"

Alien vs. Predator
You may recall my post on this, a flashy but empty sci-fi movie that came out a couple of years ago. It's really an insult to both movie franchises; hell, why didn't they just throw Freddy Krueger into the mix while they were at it? Of course, the rampant silliness makes this "film" easily accessible, and I'll confess being partial to two scenes: (1) The lecture by the accented archaeologist on how the predators and aliens have used Earth over the last thousands of years -- oh, that makes sense -- and (2) when the lead predator forms an alliance with one of the humans. (Can't we all just get along?) High comedy all around, although it's a shame we don't get more Lance Henriksen.

Behind Closed Doors
This, um, has been on HBO Zone after 1 a.m. over the last few weeks. It's, ah, mature programming. I wouldn't expect you all to understand. Moving on ...

The Chronicles of Riddick
Never have I loathed a movie so much yet found myself reflexively flipping to it. I'd like to tell you it's for laughs, and that would be true: I laugh. I also could say something about me generally being forgiving when it comes to sci-fi, especially stuff that at least looks good. But really, after watching the entire movie once, there's no excuse for watching any part of it again. Yet there I go, checking if this is when Vin Diesel stabs that guy who swings around those two axes. Or if it's when the Diesel dodges killer sun rays on the prison planet. Or when that dude rips out the guy's soul. Or -- and this is the best -- Judi Dench is on screen. Yes, Dame Judi Dench. Academy Award Winner and four-time Nominee Judi Dench. You know how I sometimes end these posts with a joke? This isn't one of them.