Not as bad as procreating with Affleck, but close: "Elektra"

Today, some math.

As you know, I have HBO. Let's consult my cable bill ... HBO: $11.95 a month. Seems a bit high, but OK.

I figure that between us, My Sweet Babboo and I watch at least six hours of HBO a week. ("Deadwood" and "Entourage" for me, plus parts or all of 2-3 movies.) So for the month, that's maybe 25 hours.

That means we're paying about 50 cents an hour for HBO. Ergo, a 90-minute movie would be about 75 cents. But in this multitasking world, I can fold laundry and eat lunch while watching such a movie. So really, the time spent doing nothing but watching the movie is more like 45 minutes, which makes the cost something like 38 cents.

It was close, but "Elektra" wasn't worth even that.

Let's get one thing straight: I knew "Elektra" would be bad before it came out in theaters, when it was out in theaters and when it came out on DVD. I wasn't even going to burn a Netflix rental on it, and I didn't make a point to watch it the first go-around on HBO. But it came back, and -- for once -- we had a DVR list that wasn't packed to the brim. Why not see how bad this is, I thought.

Since I don't want to be a total d*ck, maybe we should start with the positives. Some of the effects and kung-fu action were ... OK. Jennifer Garner's butt looked good. The scenes in the mountains looked pretty. And ...

Nope, that's it, and that's ... what, 10 minutes worth? OK, 12.

Our story has Garner as a reluctant assassin trained in mystical martial arts who refuses an assignment and finds herself protecting a man and his daughther from evil forces. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! This allows Garner to mope around, occasionally dress in is a red bustier and leather hot pants, and throw little knife-pitchfork things around. We also get to see supernatural bad guys who can repel shotgun blasts, kill with a kiss and make animals pop out of tattoos. Spooky!

Now I like comic book stuff as much as the next guy and even consider myself somewhat forgiving when movies of that ilk misfire. "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" wasn't that good, for instance, but it seemed like they gave it a good shot. Here? Um, no. Garner is totally hollow, and everyone else -- including the normally solid Terence "General Zod" Stamp -- is sleepwalking through this mess.

Come to think of it, the effects and action scenes weren't OK after all. What studio made this? 20th Century Fox? I'm going to write them and demand 38 cents. What's that? A stamp costs 39 cents? So I'd lose a penny in the end? Hmmm ... yeah, it's still worth it. You know, on principle.