Sunday, August 20, 2006

The more things change, the more they stay the same: "Kingdom of Heaven"

I'm tempted to call this movie an absolute triumph based on one thing: Orlando Bloom not being a complete wuss.

I gotta say, I don't care for the guy. Ever since "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy -- where he was OK -- Bloom has (a) done mostly period pieces in which he can wear strange clothes and (b) been a weenie in pretty much all of them, from "Troy" to "Pirates of the Caribbean." When I saw he was in "Elizabethtown," I was stunned. Still didn't see it, though, and he still looked like a wimp.

But yeah, "Kingdom of Heaven" wasn't bad because of Bloom, and I could it plenty watchable overall. No question it was overdone in parts and dragged in others, and that director Ridley Scott carried over some scenes from "Gladiator." But the subject wasn't bad, and the performances generally were good.

Our story takes place during the Crusades, when Christian Europeans have occupied the Middle East and, more to the point, the holy city of Jerusalem. Bloom is a French blacksmith who becomes a knight and finds himself wrapped up in the politics and manuevering of the Christian leaders of Jerusalem. Ultimately he must fight to defend the city against pretty bad odds. Paging Gen. George Custer ...

Although raised Catholic, I must confess I don't know much about the Crusades. Then again, it wasn't the finest hour for Christianity, what with all the killing of all the Muslims. But "Heaven" gave what seemed to me to be a decent picture of what was going down between the Christian and Muslim armies -- and not just fighting. It also was interesting to see how one King of Jerusalem ruled and what happened when he was gone.

At two hours and 15 minutes, "Heaven" is long but not interminable; "Troy" was worse. The battle scenes didn't start out promising, but almost everything with the siege of Jerusalem -- the preparations and the actual fighting -- was pretty cool. In particular, one bit of strategy by Bloom's character was striking, and I remember thinking, "Wow, that's not bad at all."

We're also blessed (pun intended) with a nice cast: Liam Neeson ("Krull"), Jeremy Irons ("Die Hard with a Vengeance") and an unrecognizable Edward Norton ("Death to Smoochy"), plus Eva Green (not as naked as in "The Dreamers"), David Thewlis (his second decapitation between this and "The Omen") and Brendan Gleeson (an Irish "that guy" we've seen in 293 other movies). Some are better than others, but nobody stops the movie dead.

Then there is Bloom. I can't say he's amazing here, because ... well, he's not. He's really mediocre at best, but like I said, that's a big improvement over his other roles. IMDB says he put on 20 pounds of muscle for this -- apparently bringing him up to an even 100 pounds -- and I thought he looked bigger than usual. It also helped that his face always seemed to be dirty, and not while thinking "that Johnny Depp sure is goofy!" No question that a number of actors could have been a stronger lead as the young knight -- Christian Bale comes to mind -- but if you have to go with an elf, Bloom's pretty much your guy.

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