No matter how many special effects you have, the dude still wears red panties: "Superman Returns"

In the superhero realm, the Man of Steel never did much for me. After this whiz-bang update, he still doesn't.

Oh, "Superman Returns" is all right, mainly when it comes to the effects and action. But none of the characters really jumps out at you, and the plot is sort of half-baked before falling apart in general at the end. It's too bad, really, because there could have been a great movie here if director Bryan Singer has just gone deeper in a couple of places and left some of the other jazz alone.

I'll try to explain, but first, our story: The son of Jor-El comes back to Earth after five years spent searching for Krypton, his destroyed home world. He thought it still could be around, but, um, no. Now he has to adjust to Lois Lane having a steady boyfriend and a kid, plus get back into saving-the-planet mode. At the same time, that ol' Lex Luthor is up to his dastardly ways again, with billions of lives in peril.

That's the long and short of it, but the movie takes an awfully long time for this to play out. Not that it isn't fun to look at along the way. We start with the same kind of credits as in the 1970s "Superman," then get archive footage of Marlon Brando as Supe's daddy. Even the new stuff has a whiff of yesteryear, from the art-deco Daily Planet building to the boring earth-tone clothes Clark, Lois and the gang always seem to be wearing. And yes, Lex Luthor is still bald, this time with Kevin Spacey hamming it up.

The cast is ... OK, I guess. As the title character, unknown Brandon Routh looks a little like Christopher Reeve and more like Peter "Eyebrows" Gallagher, especially as Clark Kent. I'd put him a step below Reeve in the presence department, though. Lois Lane is played by Kate Bosworth -- so cute in "Blue Crush," not so much here. She also suffers compared with her predecessor, Margot Kidder. Her beau, James Marsden, came across as Cary Elwes Lite in the "other man" department, which is kind of sad. Then there's Spacey, who clearly wanted this role but can't hope to compare to Gene Hackman, mainly because Spacey can't decide if he's a smart-ass (like Hackman) or a sadist.

As much as Spacey couldn't commit, the bigger problem is the movie's lack of commitment. To me, there seemed to be a few options that could have made for a stronger, deeper movie:

1. Superman as savior: We get this theme a lot in the movie, but it never goes anywhere significant. The biggest puzzler was this whole "everyone needs me" thing, yet Mr. Invincible still wastes time on petty crimes like convenience store robberies. Um, Superman, they could use a little help in the Middle East, or maybe the Sudan. You busy?

2. Superman as alien: This is where I would have gone, with Superman's origin being questioned more strongly -- especially since he just got back from searching for his home planet. Shouldn't a few people wonder if Earth should trust this guy? But no, everybody loves him, no questions asked. I don't know ... in this xenophobic era, there could have been a story here.

3. Superman as lover: Ah yes ... whither Lois? We see a few examples of our conflicted couple, but between the actors and the script, these scenes don't really sing. I guess it's nice that Lois has moved on, and her kid is cute. But this whole "can a superhero love?" stuff was done much better in the "Spider-Man" movies, and even that wasn't anything great.

Ultimately, "Superman Returns" is a curiosity worth seeing on the big screen, but I'm glad it was a matinee, and it doesn't rise to the level of the aforementioned Webslinger chronicles or "Batman Begins." (A different type of movie, but still.) If we're lucky, though, they'll find a young General Zod out there for the sequel. All together now ... "Son of Jor-El! KNEEL before Zod!"