No, Dad ... that's a "999!" I swear!: "The Omen"

My Wife Scares Me, Exhibit No. 126: Almost 13 weeks pregnant, she wants to go see a movie about a little boy borne from a beast who turns out to be the Anti-Christ and tries to take down his mother when she gets pregnant again. Sounds like great family fun, sweetie! (At least it was a matinee, I guess.)

I've long had a soft spot for the first version of "The Omen," now 30 years old. It seems like "The Exorcist" (which is great) and "Rosemary's Baby" (merely OK) get all the pub when it comes to '60s and '70s horror movies featuring Satan. But for me, "The Omen" had an appeal that could be summed up in two words: good killin'.

Sure, there are other pluses, such as the noble Gregory Peck as the bewildered dad. But any movie that gives us Atticus Finch and a hanging, impaling and beheading ... well, that's worth full ticket price, friends. Even the non-death violence -- attacking baboons and plummeting moms -- is good stuff.

After three decades, there's nothing wrong with remaking a classic horror movie, I suppose. But let's not fool ourselves: If not for the 6/6/6 release date, there's a good chance we wouldn't be telling Liev Schreiber, "I knew Robert Thorn. Robert Thorn was my friend. You, sir, are no Robert Thorn."

Our story has barely changed since the '70s, save for a brief setup that cites 9/11, the Southeast Asia tsunami and Hurricane Katrina as signs from God that the son of Satan has been born. After that, we get the exact same plot: A U.S. diplomat in Rome (Peck/Schreiber) learns his child died during birth, but that mom (Lee Remick/Julia Stiles) doesn't know. Fortunately, there's another newborn boy at the hospital, and Dad claims him as the couple's own.

A few years later, when Dad is the ambassador to Great Britain and the family lives in London, strange things start to happen. And by strange I mean "fatal." We get an unstable nanny, her questionable replacement, a grief-stricken priest and a photographer worried about his own fate in all this madness. Meanwhile, Mom and then Dad really start wondering why little Damien is so quiet and creepy.

This virtual shot-by-shot remake left me with mixed emotions. On one hand, it's still a nice little story, with the detective work on who/what Damien is broken up by some gruesome deaths. As this is the 21st century, the gore is pushed a bit further, and it's safe to say each slaying measures up its predecessor.

But beyond that, I was left wanting. The cast is one reason. Schreiber and Stiles, while capable actors, simply can't fill Peck and Remick's shoes. Peck especially is a tough act to follow, with his regal bearing thrown off-kilter by having raised the spawn of Lucifer. The other characters are pretty much a wash -- David Thewlis coming up a bit short to David Warner as the photographer, Mia Farrow slightly better than Billie Whitelaw as the replacement nanny who likes Damien a tad too much. (Yes, the same Mia Farrow who was the mother of "Rosemary's Baby." Ah, the irony.)

Another big drawback, which may seem to contradict the positive I just mentioned, is that the story hasn't changed. Sure, it was good the first time around, but after 30 years, you can shake things up a bit. Otherwise, aren't you just Gus Van Sant doing "Psycho?" This certainly doesn't matter to people who never saw the first "Omen," but those of us who have deserve a little creativity. (And not just Damien playing an xBox and the photographer using a digital camera.) Maybe if the prophecy had been revealed in a Sudoku puzzle or something ... yeah, that's it.