Javier Bardem is officially the coolest guy in the world: "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"

And while I've never really thought, "Man, I wish I were European," the cojones the erstwhile Anton Chigurh brings to this otherwise middling Woody Allen movie are something to behold.

I really had no interest in seeing "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" in the theater. Hearing that Penelope Cruz was Oscar-worthy didn't change that. Annoying, she is. Plus, I've always been iffy on Allen. Like his early stuff, didn't care for the '80s and '90s relationship tripe and recently have been split. "Match Point" wasn't bad. Neither was -- surprisingly -- "Melinda and Melinda." But I can't say "Cassandra's Dream" or "Scoop" intrigued me.

Here, we get two American friends (Rebecca Hall and Scarlett Johansson) spending the summer in Spain. The former is engaged and studying Catalan culture or some such BS, while the former is adrift after making some dumb short film. Our heroines come across a Spanish painter (Bardem), who brazenly propositions him. Because he's Spanish and they're American, they don't reject him outright. Sure, Hall makes some noise. But c'mon ... we know how these guys make all-American girls feel down there.

Of course, as messy as a threesome -- not in the traditional sense, but still -- can be, we get a fourth player: Bardem's ex-wife, the aforementioned Cruz. Oh, and she's a little nuts. That doesn't mean bad things right away. I mean, if Hall has to go get married, we can just menage it with the former missus, right?

There's a lot of gabbing and some groping, and Bardem gets plenty of tail, god bless him. I also thought Hall was cute, despite the typical quiet-crazy woman stuff she displays, i.e. "No, I'm not interested, but why didn't you call?" Didn't think I had seen her beofre, but it turns out she was in "Frost/Nixon" and "The Prestige." Johansson and Cruz also look great, but neither interested me as much.

No, if there's anything worth seeing here, it's Bardem trying to manage the situation and -- I think -- doing a pretty reasonable job. Hey, he puts it out there and makes no apologies, and it's hard to argue his logic. The only problem: When has logic ever worked when its comes to sex? I don't recall my history classes going over how Aristotle was money with the ladies ...