Choose your joke: "Wait, I thought he was a great GOLDEN god" or "And yet no mention of when he helped form the Blue Man Group": "Watchmen"

Hey, such rapier wit simply cannot be restrained.

Yes, I gave in and saw the FIRST BIG MOVIE OF THE YEAR last weekend. What can I say? I've read the comic book ... I mean, graphic novel ... a couple of times, and the trailers suggested a faithful adaptation. Throw in the combination of Freakshow's wife from "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" and one of the Steve Prefontaines swinging a blue schlong, and "Watchmen" was an offer I couldn't refuse.

Our story, if I can keep this brief: In an alternate universe where it's 1985, Nixon is still president and we won Vietnam, the nation has outlawed superheroes. Yep, they existed and not only fought evil but helped us win that nasty Southeast Asia skirmish. Alas, most went into hiding once they were on the outs.

One of those, the Comedian, is brutally killed in his apartment as the movie opens. Another, Rorschach, investigates, and not delicately. Flawed? These "heroes?" Just a bit. Along the way, Rorschach -- wearing a fedora, trenchcoat and mask with ever-changing inkblots -- checks in with other Watchmen: The Nite Owl (a gadget guy), Silk Spectre (latex-wearing karate girl) and Dr. Manhattan (a bonafide superhero who is all blue and can bend matter to his will). There's also Ozymandias, who is super smart, super fast and super rich, apparently.

As Rorschach checks into what may be a conspiracy, we bounce back and forth in time, learning how these heroes came about, worked together and fell apart. We also see how Dr. Manhattan got his powers and how he doesn't see the world and human race quite the same as others. All the while, the U.S. and the Soviet Union inch closer and closer to a nuclear war that almost certainly would erase much of the Earth's population. Fun times, indeed.

Of these, Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) is the most interesting. His growling may seem one note, but you have to admire that single-minded purpose. And when he gets sidetracked in jail for a while ... well, that's riveting. The Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) is supposed to be our voice of reason, and he's OK but too nebbishy for the hefty screen time. Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman) is more empty than sympathetic.

As for the others, the Comedian -- seen mostly in flashbacks -- is an intriguing antihero, even if Jeffrey Dean Morgan reminded me a lot of Powers Boothe. As Ozymandias, Matthew Goode is too lightweight. That leaves Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan. I generally like Crudup, and he's not bad here. But whenever I read "Watchmen," I heard a deeper voice. Ethereal, sure, to reflect his otherworldliness. But still deeper. It was a little jarring.

More important than the uneven casting, though, is how director Zack Snyder moved this to the big screen. No question he deserves credit for just getting it out there after all these years. But for me, he didn't have to chew up so much running time -- more than two-and-a-half hours -- being SO faithful to the book (with some reasonable omissions and one big exception at the end). Some of those details for the fanboys? Cut 'em, Zack. Just cut 'em. They'll be OK.

Worse, the music sucked. Not the songs themselves, but the selections. Dylan's "Times Are A-Changin'" for the opening credits? Really? Then "Sounds of Silence" at a funeral? Come on. There were some other awkward picks, like "99 Luft Balloons." Call me boring, but I'd rather have some ominous instrumental stuff. This is a somber tale, after all. All this left me thinking Snyder's best movie remains "Dawn of the Dead." Yes, better than the greasy-man rock video than was "300."

In the end, "Watchmen" wasn't a waste by any means, but I consider it more a curiosity -- or even just an itch that had to be scratched -- than an enjoyable, successful adaptation. Better than "V for Vendetta," sure, but not enough to escape the weight of expectations. Not even with Kelly Leak getting his psycho on. Let them slay! Let them slay! Let them slay!