Tough times like these call for a true war hero: "Drillbit Taylor"

What? You were expecting a certain presidential candidate?

We Redboxed this movie the other night along with "There Will Be Blood," and that's a double bill that likely won't ever be recreated. My Luminous One had never seen the latter, and the former was about the only other movie in the box that we could have watched together. For me, it was stupid comedy. For her, it was Owen Wilson. You've heard about her unhealthy crush, right?

As it happened, she didn't see "Drillbit Taylor," and I wish I could say the same. Oh, I knew it would suck. I just didn't expect it to depress me so.

Wilson plays a bum who passes himself off as an Army vet who can help some high school freshmen fight back against a couple of bullies. These three kids come straight from Central Casting: an awkward beanpole with glasses, a fat kid with a mouth, and a tiny twerp with braces. Stunning originality, I tell you. But at least the kids are winning, right? Um, no. Annoying is more like it. Not only was I not rooting for these guys, but I wanted the movie to do a 180 and have them end up worse off than ever. The End. Would have been awesome!

Sadly, we get the standard "things are bad, get worse, then get better, then everything falls apart, then redemption." It's all rather tired. And long. Among this mess, Wilson hooks up with the always cute Leslie Mann, a real teacher to Wilson's faux educator. Oh, and Wilson's bum friends -- upset that he stops bilking the kids for money and goods -- decide to help themselves to one kid's family's stuff. Ho ho ho.

My reaction to all this stopped short of visceral, but it definitely wasn't good. Wilson's turn here -- and the story in general -- makes "You, Me and Dupree" look like "Blazing Saddles." We all know the guy has one schtick as surfer-slacker-funny nose guy, and it's getting tired. I could take him in "The Darjeeling Limited" because he was part of a fun trio with Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman (both of whom were funnier). But as a lead, Wilson is lacking. Hell, even in "Wedding Crashers," Vince Vaughn got all the good lines.

Not sure what else I can say about "Drillbit Taylor." It was dumb, and not in a good way. Almost everyone was irritating. The ending was even dumber -- let's just say what should have been all glory for the kids had to make way for Mr. Wilson.

Even the cameo of Adam Baldwin from "My Bodyguard" (as well as "Serenity," which I liked) wasn't good. Guy looked like he rather be babysitting Chris Makepeace, and I have to wonder how much he squeezed from the producers for his turn. Then again, with such titles as "Gospel Hill," "Sands of Oblivion" and "The Thirst" on his recent resume, it's not like he can command much. Hell, he probably paid them.