Craptastic voyage: A trilogy of truly terrible movies

And get this: Two of these three were on TCM, not IFC. I think it was their "Underground" thing, but still ... you can stretch the definition of classic only so far.

I had seen two of these movies long ago and remembered them as being awful in a special way. Awful and special enough that if and when they ever reappeared on cable, I would feel obligated to watch again. And now I'm set for another 20 years or so. With that ...

Who needs a hockey mask?: "Sleepaway Camp"

I'm thinking I was in my mid-teens when I first saw this low-budget, no-name camp masquerading as a horror movie. It definitely left an impression, although to say more would ruin the movie for you. Yes, it would ruin a terribly bad movie. Makes no sense, I know.

Several years after a horrible boating accident, a teenage girl and her boy cousin go off to camp, where the usual adolescent politics rule. Oh, and there's a killer on the loose. (I know, who knew?) The real story, though, is the outrageously hammy dialogue and stunningly bad acting. Really ... this makes "Meatballs" look like "Citizen Kane."

That alone isn't enough to rate this as a camp classic. No, the thing here is the ending. True, that means you have to sit through almost 90 minutes of crap, and I'm not going to be one of those people who insist the ending is worth it. But I will say this: I've seen a lot of movies -- good, bad, short, long, funny, sad, loud, quiet -- and the finale of this one stuck with me something fierce. It's the whole package: a feast for the eyes and ears. I can say no more.

And they're off ... their medication, apparently: "Death Race 2000"

Considered a cult classic by some, this movie is merely dumb. Sure, there's some funny stuff, and you can write the whole concept off to camp. Plus, there are boobies. But from the obvious matte painting at the start of the race to the dumb resolution, this "film" left me wanting.

The plot: In the future, the most popular sport is a cross-country race in which drivers get points for fatally running down people. Sounds like a wry commentary on sports and brutality and society, right? Wrong. There's very little clever about this. Instead, we're left to think things like, "Hey, Sylvester Stallone before 'Rocky!'" and "Is that John Kreese from 'The Karate Kid?'" (It is.)

IMDb puts the budget at about $300,000, and it shows. Not only are the killer cars cheesy, but the costumes and sets reminded me of ... wait for it ... "The Apple." My favorite scene: our hero (David Carradine) and his lady navigator in their bedroom during a race stop. What's meant to be a big ol' boudoir is easily revealed as some kind of auditorium or cafeteria. How? Maybe it's the double doors with the iron handlebars in the corner of the room! Awesome.

Wow. I mean ... wow: "Yor, the Hunter from the Future"

Look up "delightfully bad" in the dictionary, and you'll see a smiling Yor.

I remember this being pretty bad when I was a kid, and I was a kid! The trailer sure looked cool, with a blond caveman jumping around and using a pterodactyl as a hang-glider. But yeah, it was bad. Then I saw it again, and realized "bad" is way too generous.

We meet Yor as he bounds down a mountain while his pop anthem plays over the opening credits. Soon he's saving other loincloth-wearing types from a dinosaur. Never mind the dinosaur is a triceatops, which every third-grader knows wasn't hostile like a T-Rex or raptor. Anyway, Yor does some more saving, then learns there's an island that may hold the answer to where he came from and how he got the cool medallion hanging around his neck. The suspense!

Things go from bad to worse, or to great, depending on how much you like bizarre plot turns and bad special effects. What was once prehistoric goes all sci-fi, but that doesn't bother Yor, who proves as proficient with a laser gun as with an ax. That Yor!

As with these other movies, you have to see this for yourself to believe it. Fortunately, there's plenty of action -- including cool trapeze stuff -- and when there's not, there's plenty of bad acting to keep you interested. Even better, the movie ends with a voiceover that opens the door for a sequel. Twenty-five years later, we're still waiting.