Definitely not amateur hour: "The Professionals"

Not sure if this is the best Western I've seen, but it probably was the one I enjoyed the most. Yeah, more than "Young Guns." (Kidding. "Young Guns 2" actually was the shiznit.)

Loyal readers -- all five of you -- know I'm a little indifferent when it come to the dustiest of genres. Unlike baby boomers, Gen-Xers generally just don't have the same affinity for watching guys play cowboys and Indians/bandits. That's a broad brush on both fronts, true. But like I've said before, by the time I got to watching movies, Westerns seemed boring. I mean, the Old West was long gone! Now outer space ... that's where it was at. And once again, that's the kind of thinking that leads someone to spend good money on "Event Horizon." Whew.

Had it been playing in a theater, I would have gladly shelled out hard cash for "The Professionals." Seriously, if you're like me, you should see this movie. Consider it more serious than "The Magnificent Seven" and less melancholy than "The Wild Bunch." That's maybe the perfect mix. Really, this may be my new favorite Western. Wow.

Our story: Four rogues of sorts are hired by a Texas millionaire to go fetch his wife, whom a Mexican bandit leader/revolutionary apparently snatched and took across the border. Sounds simple, right? As we know, it never is. First, a couple of our heroes have ties to the bandit leader. Second, the millionaire may not be totally on the up and up. Third, the woman is Claudia Cardinale, who pretty much gives me a heart attack every time I see her. Woof.

Rockin' good cast here. Lee Marvin plays the group's leader, and I haven't liked him this much since "Bad Day at Black Rock," or maybe "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance." This is a bigger role, but he doesn't get carried away with it. Not too intense, not too glib. Just right.

His buddy is Burt Lancaster, who never had done all that much for me and initially turned me off here. Just something about when he goes all Moonlight Graham on us, pausing and looking off in the distance and rambling. But I warmed up to Burt fast enough, mainly because he embraces the rapscallion role. Call it a Han Solo thing. He doesn't have to worry about being in charge yet can be a hero all the same. The role is even more notable given that Lancaster already had won an Oscar and been nominated for two others. Hell, he's over 50 years old here! Doesn't matter. He's pretty good. Also gets some great lines.

Rounding out our gang are Robert Ryan -- whom I'm appreciating more with each movie I see him in -- as a horse wrangler and Woody Strode as a tracker who's pretty good with a bow and arrow. Ralph "Randolph Duke" Bellamy is the millionaire, and Jack Palance -- whom I never recognized -- is the bandit leader. All those guys are solid in their roles, too, as is Cardinale as the femme fatale. Really ... oh my.

What I liked best about this movie were (a) the story, which had just the right amount of twists and turns, right up to the end, and (b) the dialogue. Whereas "Seven" was too cute and "Bunch" was too somber, "The Professionals" has some sharp dialogue without getting too corny. It also gives its characters enough depth without lingering too long and bringing the action to a halt. And rather than being soft, having a woman at the center of things actually distinguishes it quite well from "Bunch.

Maybe I'm being a little glowing, but I don't know ... almost everything just felt right to me. And did I mention the dialogue? These might not come across as well on your monitor, but, in closing, consider these gems:

Maria: Go to hell.
Dolworth: Yes ma'am. (Pause) I'm on my way.

Rico: Certain women have a way of changing boys into men and some men back into boys.

Rico: You're gonna have to get over this nasty habit of always losing your pants. It's not dignified.
Dolworth: It's drafty, too.

Dolworth: That's a lot of woman there. Beautiful, classy, and guts. Hard enough to kill ya and soft enough to change ya.

Rico: So what else is on your mind besides hundred-proof women, ninety-proof whiskey and 14-carat gold?
Dolworth: Amigo, you just wrote my epitaph!

(And maybe best of all ... )

Grant: You bastard.
Rico: Yes, sir. In my case an accident of birth. But you, sir, you're a self-made man.