Yeah, let's make another "L.A. Confidential," only this time with worse actors and a crappier story: "The Black Dahlia"

Can't say I realized this was the case while watching what turned out to be tripe, but the thought occurred to me a few days later, and it makes perfect sense. Here we have another murder mystery set in 1940s Los Angeles, with a couple of cops chasing leads and dealing with femme fatales. Only this particular movie sucks.

I actually was ready to tear Brian De Palma a new one, blasting him as a Hitchcock wannabe who has made a bunch of crap. And that's partly true. I mean, "Snake Eyes?" "Raising Cain?" "Body Double" (even with the nudity)? But then there's "The Untouchables." And "Carrie." Some also might argue that "Carlito's Way" wasn't bad, and I still maintain that the first "Mission: Impossible" was pretty decent. As for "Scarface," well, I think it kind of blew. You had to wait a reallllly long time to get to the good lines at the end, and even that wasn't anything great.

So yeah, De Palma ... uneven at best. "The Black Dahlia" does little to counter this belief.

Our story tracks two cops (Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart) who happen to be boxers who then become pals and partners. With Eckhart's gal Scarlett "Butthole Mouth" Johansson in the mix, it's all very Ozzie and Ozzie and Harriet. Then some girl (Mia Kirshner) has to go get herself hacked up, which drives Eckhart off the deep end and sends Hartnett looking for answers and finding Hilary Swank, a rich girl who, we're led to believe, looks like the dead girl. (Only doesn't.)

Into this fun stumble some occasionally interesting actors: Gregg Henry, Rose McGowan (whom I dug before she got with Marilyn Manson), Rachel "Mrs. Macaulay Culkin" Miner and even k.d. lang (who's gay ... who knew?). But by and large we're stuck with the four principal players. Too bad, because they're not too good here.

Eckhart has shown himself capable of good stuff, from "In the Company of Men" to "Thank You for Smoking." And hell, Swank has two Oscars and was robbed of a third for "The Next Karate Kid." Hartnett, however, hasn't shown he can come close to carrying a movie; his best role, I say, was that bit part in "Sin City," and it seems like he's just trying to stretch that cool detective schtick out more than two hours here. As for Johansson ... well, I guess she can be good. "Lost in Translation" was great, and she was solid in "Ghost World." More recently, though, I find her mostly annoying. She was OK in "Match Point" but didn't bring much to "The Prestige" (great movie), "The Island" or "In Good Company." Not bad to look at, mind you, but not all that, either.

In any case, none of the above shines here. All are one-note in some way, which makes for all different kinds of annoying. Eckhart's obsession is too simplistic. Hartnett's boyishness falls flat. Neither Johnasson nor Swank is convincing as a sultry she-devil -- again in different but unsuccessful ways. Come to think of it, the only person I thought was good was Kirshner, seen entirely in screen tests. In those brief moments, she captured her character's vulnerability, confusion and sadness pretty well, I thought.

The larger problem with "The Black Dahlia," though, is a story that takes time getting off the ground and never becomes all that clear -- yeah, I know it's a mystery -- before falling apart into what can only be described as a mess. The plot is inspired by a real unsolved murder, but if it actually happened in any way close to this, I'll eat my hat. Things just seem to get convoluted and then laughable, yet the actors keep a straight face.

In the end, the usual De Palma tricks -- sweeping camera shots, blood, quirky side characters -- are buried in the muddle. And with no Robert De Niro swinging a baseball bat or mid-1980s Melanie Griffith shaking her bare booty, I can't see watching this again to try and figure it out.