Who knew then that Robert Downey Jr. wasn't acting?: "Less Than Zero"

Well, this wasn't a total waste of time. I mean, I watched half of it while on the treadmill.

When I saw "Less Than Zero" on an HD channel, I thought, "Hey, I remember that movie. Robert Downey Jr. gets f*cked up!" And I was right. What I forgot, though, was that Andrew McCarthy ("Weekend at Bernie's II" notwithstanding) and Jami Gertz (ditto "Solarbabies") can't act.

(OK, they couldn't act in those movies, either, but isn't it fun to bring them up?)

Another annoying thing about this movie: It's based on a (no-doubt sh*tty) Bret Easton Ellis book -- you know, the guy who did all that '80s debauchery stuff. The thing is, "American Psycho" is a pretty good movie, thanks in large part to Christian Bale. "Less Than Zero?" Not so much.

Our plot has three high school friends reuniting six months after graduation. Blank-faced, boring McCarthy is ... well, the boring one, having gone to college. (Ass.) Blank-faced, boring Gertz is the model who doesn't know she's a f*ck-up, due in part to the coke always flowing into her nostrils. Downey is the would-be record producer and club owner and simply cannot get his act together. It may have something to with the insane amount of drugs and utter lack or responsibility that dominate his life.

The trio really is hugely annoying, united only by Downey's descent into a drug-addled, indebted hell. Downey actually is decent -- fairly convincing and rather impressive considering he was only 22. Best quote: "Do I look like I'm ready for homework?" Also good is James Spader as the unholy trinity's friend-turned-drug dealer and money lender, with Downey on the hook for big bucks. That leads to even more unpleasantness in Downey's life, with Spader keeping the d*ckhead vibe from "Pretty in Pink" in full force.

I almost said Spader was "entertaining," but really nothing about "Less Than Zero" -- directed by the great Marek Kanievska ... is that even a real person? -- is entertaining. Sure, the look back into the decadent '80s is amusing; McCarthy at a party: "Do you know that you girls have televisions between your legs?" Hardy har har. But our two "heroes" are so one-dimensional and just bad that the movie generally sucks. Tell you what ... the next time I want to check out something like this, steer me to one of McCarthy's better efforts. You know, like "Mannequin."