Separating the men from the boys: "The Empire Strikes Back"

I may have mentioned getting a new TV, and I think we can agree that you haven't truly broken in such an important home fixture until you've watched a classic movie, preferably one with an abundance of laser blasts and lightsaber noises. (Admit it ... you're making them right now in your head.) Since the missus gave me the "Star Wars" DVD box set for our anniversary, I decided to pop in the best of the original triogy and watch in installments as I put in some time on the treadmill. What, you think I sit on the sofa all day? Just 10 hours or so ...

Was anyone else shocked at the argument over "Empire" vs. "Return of the Jedi" in "Clerks?" And Randall seemed so much cooler than Dante. Anyway, no one this side of crazy will claim anything other than "Empire" as their favorite, and not just because of Boba Fett. For me, it's great to watch this now and think about how I regarded Luke Skywalker and Han Solo back in the early '80s vs. today. Back then, Luke was the -- how you say? -- shiznit, what with the lightsaber and Jedi genes. I mean, the force, man! How cool would it have been to use that and move things with you mind ... like, say, Catholic schoolgirls' skirts?

Today, though, Mark Hamill's whining performance borders on a riot -- altogether now ... "Artoooooooo!!!" Meanwhile, Harrison Ford steals the show as the epitome of cool, with Han Solo penetrating Princess Leia's ... icy personality (easy) on his own terms and giving Darth Vader and the Empire all they can handle while Luke plays around in a swamp with a reverse-talking puppet. (Little did we know how nimble Yoda was back in the day, as revealed in "Episode II.") As an adult, I relish Han and Leia's dance, right up to the carbonite chamber.

Even broken up over a few days, the non-stop action of "Empire" still rules after more than 20 years, from the battle on the ice planet Hoth ("Good shot, Jansen!") to the chase through the asteroid field ("This is no cave"). And the way it leaves us hanging with Han's fate ... that's good movie-making, my friends. Sure, that meant another movie that unleashed the Ewoks unto the world, but it also led to Carrie Fisher in that metal bikini. Let's just say Chewie wasn't the only one howling.