I'm sorry, mama ... I didn't mean to hurt you

But tonight, tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet.

(Eminem? "8 Mile?" Anyone?)

While enjoying yet another viewing of "Romancing the Stone" -- love it, and not just because of Kathleen Turner's legs and Michael Douglas's wisecracks --I figured it's time to clear off my plate of about a million movies from the last few months. That's right, here comes the lightning round!

Rachel Getting Married: This is going back to the spring, I think, but in any case, it's overrated. Yeah, yeah ... Anne Hathaway makes like a SERIOUS ACTOR, and does fairly well as the effed-up sister. But I don't think it was that hard a role, and in the end, this tale of family dysfunction after a vague tragedy plays like a version of "The Family Stone" with fewer jokes. (And "The Family Stone" wasn't even funny. It sucked, actually.)

Chopper: Or "Eric Bana Getting Noticed." He plays a con who comes into some notoriety while in prison and doesn't have that great a time after getting out. It starts out straight, then gets a little weird, complete with our hero whipping out his wang in the middle of a bar. And you know about our rating system here. All in all, though, an interesting, gritty introduction to the man who would be (the non-Norton) Hulk.

Millions: The Danny Boyle movie that doesn't have the hip cred, mainly because it's a family-friendly film about two young brothers finding a bunch of English pounds right before the country is switching to the Euro. What to do, what to do ... . There's all sorts of other stuff -- widowed dad, menacing guy looking for the lost money -- but it's really about the younger brother's struggle to do right in the way of the Catholic saints. That allows for some oddball visions, but then again, what do you expect from Boyle?

Wall Street: Hey, Michael Douglas! Just a few years after bouncing around Colombia, here he's greed incarnate as Gordon Gekko. I had seen this before, but it was a long time ago, and it holds up ... OK. Charlie Sheen, before he picked up 1 1/2 men, is an ambitious trader who falls under Gekko's spell while romancing a miscast Daryl Hannah and disappointing his dad, played by ... wait for it ... *Martin* Sheen. For all the fawning over Douglas, the story is a little thin and rife with melodrama. But hey, so were the '80s.

The Simpsons Movie: Have you seen the TV show? Same thing. That's good, but nothing different.

P2: For those of you wondering whatever happened to Ricky Fitts from "American Beauty." Was he disturbed enough to become a security guard who would stalk a busty twentysomething in a locked-down parking garage? Yes, he was. Does that make for a great thriller? No, it does not.

The Wicker Man: This movie, on the other hand, is intriguing. The guy who would become "The Equalizer" is an English cop dispatched to a weird island to investigate a teenage girl's disappearance. As it turns out, the island is full of pagans, and our hero is a devout Catholic engaged to be married. So yes, hijinks ensue, with the cop confounded by weird stuff and realizing the case isn't all it seems. Oh yeah, and Britt Ekland shows her boobies (and a double shows her butt) during a dance around her room. Throw in other bacchanalia, and you could spend 90 minutes in worse ways.