Hmmmm ... maybe they really DON'T make them like they used to

That as much as anything might explain why, of these three movies below, the best one is the oldest, while the one from two years ago blows chunks.

Based on this, I expect my daughter to take care of her own college tuition: "Paper Moon"

I first saw this movie a loooong time ago and remembered very little other than the part near the end when some very unhappy men corner con man Ryan O'Neal. That doesn't end well. I also remember this movie being generally praised, so it seemed worth another viewing.

Our story has O'Neal showing up at the rural Kansas funeral of a woman who left behind a precocious young daughter, played by O'Neal's real-life daughter, Tatum. (Yes, the former Mrs. John McEnroe. Former now, not then, since she wasn't even 10 when "Paper Moon" was made.) He agrees to take her to St. Joseph's, Mo. -- not out of the goodness of his own heart but because he can use her to get a little more cash. He soon finds she's a bit of a con artist himself, and as Rick said to Louis, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

It's pretty fun to see these two work -- together and against each other. Both O'Neals are impressive and never better. (Kind of shame, when you think about it.) Supporting roles are solid, too. Madeline Kahn is amusing and has one great scene with Tatum as a loose woman named ... wait for it ... Trixie Delight. John "Higgins" Hillerman plays two roles as a bootlegger and his brother, a sheriff's deputy. And we even get a little Randy Quaid as a farm boy who wrestles Ryan O'Neal.

Throw in director Peter Bogdanovich's skill in creating a "Grapes of Wrath" atmosphere -- b/w film, dusty roads, deliberate scenes here and there -- and it's a great package all the way around. Besides, even in this crass age, odds are you still won't see a 9-year-old girl say "I need to go to the sh*thouse."

In case you didn't think he was a enough of an a$$: "Romper Stomper"

Before he was getting Oscar noms, Russell Crowe was just another Kiwi playing an angry Aussie. And boy, did he wear the Third Reich ink well.

"Romper Stomper" was released in 1992 -- three years before Crowe popped up in "The Quick and the Dead," five before he caught our attention in "L.A. Confidential" and eight before he reached the A list with "Gladiator." Here, he's the leader of a bunch of skinheads who torment Asian immigrants in Melbourne. This may be the first movie I've seen that's set in Melbourne, now that I think of it. Hmmmm. Wonder what that means.

Anyway, that's the long and short of it. These guys cause trouble, then get into trouble, then cause some more trouble. Crowe hooks up with a wayward rich girl who first helps then hurts the group. Otherwise, general mayhem ensues.

It's interesting enough, and I was curious to see where it was all going. But I can't say I cared very much about our sociopathic antiheroes. Crowe's buddy, played by Daniel Pollock, was intriguing in that he didn't seem fully into the thing, but rather was just friends with Crowe. Also, the big rumble between the skinheads and the Vietnamese -- which you see coming, which is cool -- was well done. But overall, I was left a little wanting. Consider this "Mein Can't."

But for something really sh*tty, try ... : "Lucky Number Slevin"

Well, maybe that's a little harsh. After all, this was better than "Smokin' Aces. " You know, like having your leg ripped off at the ankle is better than losing it at the knee.

This movie gives us Josh "Beyond 10 Minutes On Screen, I'm Really Not an Actor" Hartnett as some hapless schmoe caught in between two New York gangs -- one black, one Jewish. You see, these criminals think Josh is someone he's not, but rather than make a clear, reasonable case for his true identity, he'd rather just crack wise and look cute. Could it have anything to do with the very first scene in which some random guy (Bruce Willis) tells a story about a family ripped apart when a sure thing at the horse races goes bad? No way!

Willis plays a stone-faced killer, while Morgan Freeman and Sir Ben Kingsley are the crime bosses. Lucy Liu is around as a coroner/love interest. Stanley Tucci is a police detective. (Minor spoiler alert: By the movie's end, you wonder just how in the hell that could have happened.) Not a bad cast. Unfortunately, the story calls for more mugging for the camera and "sounding cool" than actual acting and character development. Considering the writer and director haven't done anything else of note, not a huge surprise. (I don't list them here to reinforce the point.)

I went along with "Slevin" for a while, but (a) the characters, especially Hartnett's, got annoying and (b) I was pretty sure what was going to happen. Maybe not every twist and turn, but the gist of it. So that was a letdown. As was most of the cute dialogue. Sure, I liked this line: "I bet it was that mouth that got you that nose." (The nose was broken.) But that's about it. Plenty of blame to go around, but the bottom line is that I need to swear off Hartnett. Other than his bit part in "Sin City," maybe "Hollywood Homicide" and one of his very first roles, "The Virgin Suicides," I find him falling short of tolerable. Put another way, he sucks.