Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Smirking, smokin' and -- dammit -- a schmuck

So I recently saw what may be the worst movie ever made, but I need more time to process the experience before daring to post on it. Besides, I just paid some bills and am feeling pretty surly. (F*cking natural gas heating.) Better to knock out a few subpar movies with one fell swoop before bringing it home with a childhood favorite.

The highlight of his low point: "Hudson Hawk"

For years, this was the worst movie I had ever seen. Then came "My Father, the Hero." Still, the Hawk remains high on my list of painful viewing experiences. Why, pray tell, would I watch it again? Maybe I wanted to see if camp would win out over crap this time. Or maybe I'm just masochistic.

Either way, this action-comedy-musical still sucks. "Hudson Hawk" was released in 1991, after the first two "Die Hard" movies and before "Pulp Fiction," which some consider a comeback of sorts for Willis. That's because in the few years prior he starred in such junk as "Hawk," "Bonfire of the Vanities," "Death Becomes Her" and "Striking Distance." Yeah ... wow.

Here, Willis is a cat burglar who just got out of prison and is forced to rob various works by Leonardo da Vinci, aka the guy who had that code. Of course, there's more to the story -- namely, Bruce and buddy Danny Aiello singing showtunes during the heists, a CIA team led by James Coburn, a crazy billionaire couple behind the whole plot, and our love interest, none other than Andie "Zero Sex Appeal" McDowell. How can this movie lose?

Willis mugs nonstop, everyone tells bad jokes, Sandra "I Will Annoy the Holy P!ss Out of You" Bernhard is involved, and McDowell again proves you don't have to act to get screen time. It's really quite amazing, and I'd invite you to see this mess for yourself. But you know, people don't bounce back from bleeding from their eyes and ears simultaneously like they used to.

Kind of like "Ocean's Eleven," except with nothing remotely interesting or entertaining: "Smokin' Aces"

Can't remember if somebody told me this wasn't bad. If they did, they're now higher on my List of People to Kill.

Too bad, really, because I like some of the players. There's Jeremy Piven as a magician-turned-mobster-turned-witness/target. Ray Liotta is a Fed. Jason Bateman is a kooky lawyer. Alicia Keys is a hitwoman. Hell, we've even got Booger himself, Curtis Armstrong, as another lawyer. The cast includes other decent actors, but naming any more would suggest this movie has merit. It doesn't.

In short, a bunch of hitmen try to kill Piven, and hijinks ensue. Sadly, little of this is very interesting as either an action movie or a comedy. The director, Joe Carnahan, got people's notice with "Narc" earlier this decade. That was a straightforward crime drama. This attempt at a hybrid masked with crazy camera work doesn't work. And if that's not enough, we've had an Affleck sighting. Yes, I mean Ben, and no, he's not good. But he does die, which is nice. (Damn ... ruined it, didn't I?)

Something of an understatement: "Bad Lieutenant"

This came out right after "Reservoir Dogs" won Harvey Keitel a bunch of praise. Clearly the next move was to whip out your johnson in back-to-back movies -- here and "The Piano." What makes a guy decide to do that when he's older than 50 ... well, you got me.

Keitel plays a police lieutenant who shows us early on that he won't be posing for any grip-and-grins with the mayor. I actually lost track of how many substances Harvey abuses; it's a lot, trust me. Then there's the harassment of various citizens -- including a truly creepy episode with two Jersey girls -- and random gunfire. Can this man be redeemed?

If so, it may be through the case of a nun raped in a church. Yeah, more pleasant tidings. Helming this fun is Abel Ferrara, who -- sorry, Dad -- hasn't done anything good. It's been a while since I've seen "King of New York" and "The Funeral," but neither struck me as interesting. "Body Snatchers" was OK but forgettable. "Bad Lieutenant" was his last chance with me, and it's time to bid Abel adieu.

One of the more random titles in movie history: "Meatballs"

Because really, even with someone calling another person a meatball, what does that possibly have to do with a story about summer camp misfits?

Released in 1980, this movie was hee-larious when I was a kid. No question it would lose some luster now that I'm almost closer to age 50 than 20, but I wanted to be reminded of how Bill Murray was before all the dry stuff of the last decade, i.e. "Rushmore," "Lost in Translation," Broken Flowers." Some of those movies are good, but we miss the zany Bill.

Zaniness -- zanieness? -- abounds in "Meatballs," where Murray is a camp counselor who never gives a straight answer. This was his first movie after "Saturday Night Live," and he pretty much does the same mugging and smirking from that show. There's nobody else of note in the case, unless you count Chris Makepeace -- later of "My Bodyguard" fame -- as a depressed camper befriended by Murray.

There is, however, plenty of juvenile comedy, which wasn't as laugh-out-loud as when I was a kid but still amusing enough. You've got the de-pantsing at the basketball game, the hot dog eating contest, Spaz (Spaz ... Spaz ... Spaz ... ) and Murray's daily camp announcements. And if you still don't like this movie, remember ...

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!!!

4 Comments:

At 11:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm hardly some sort of wacky Abel Ferrara apologist, if indeed such a thing even exists.

I agree, "Bad Lieutenant' is a pretty unpleasant experience. Not sure I've even seen "The Funeral" and probably the best thing about "Body Snatchers" is that it's a very lean movie.

But, sir, I take umbrage at your cavalier dismissal of "King of New York." Christopher Walken, David Caruso, Wesley Snipes ... c'mon! And most of all, Larry Fishburne, who has never been more over-the-top psychotic.

It's the best Abel Ferrara movie ever! There, I said it.

 
At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I caught "Smoking Aces" last week. It seemed like they all threw out the script halfway through the movie then it was every actor for themselves trying to mug and pad out THEIR story and screw the rest.The tacked on ending/plot suprise was ridiculous.

The kid w/ ADD was cool though

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Hudson Hawk was supposed to be an action adventure but the script turned the whole thing a mess and the actors went with the mess knowing it. When you end a movie with the lines " (HH)how did you survive the car fire? (t5)It had sprinklers in the back. (HH)I guess that reason will do." The whole production (cast, crew, producers)of that movie are essentially making fun of you for sitting through the entire movie. Sucker.

Smoking aces was decent just because of the blood shed. I liked Shoot em Up better since they really didn't bother with a script and just focused on the gun play.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Jefferson said...

The kid with ADD may have been the funniest thing in Aces. "You got beef?!?"

And calling something the best Abel Ferrara movie ever is like saying "That was the least painful kick in the nuts I ever had." You know what? You still got kicked in the nuts.

As for the Hawk, can't decide which line is my favorite:

"As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?"

or

"Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July!"

(Actually, I've always liked this line: "I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.")

 

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