Hail to the cheese: "The Sentinel"

Despite bad-to-fair reviews when this film came out last year, I briefly considered giving it a shot at the moviehouse. Some decent actors, a potentially intriguing story, etc. etc. Alas, the movie came and went before I had a chance to make good on my threat to lay down some hard-earned cash for a ticket.

Boy, was that a good thing. This movie kind of sucked. I mean, anything that makes "S.W.A.T." look good by comparison ...

Our story centers around an aging Secret Service agent who is framed for the murder of another government agent -- his pal, no less. Even better, the rest of the agency seems to think this guy wants to kill the Big Kahuna. That's right, the President. The nerve.

While this movie at times is a halfway-decent cat-and-mouse story -- well, cats and mouse -- it really never overcomes an ultimately weak plot and host of crappy performances by actors who seem like they're there just to pick up their paychecks. To wit:

Michael Douglas: Hey, I like the guy. Can't count the number of movies that he has made fun, i.e. "Romancing the Stone," "Wall Street," "The Game." I even liked "Falling Down." But Mike ... aren't you a little long in the tooth to be playing a Secret Service agent, even an older one assigned to the First Lady? Sorry, I just can't get past that.

Kiefer Sutherland: Good to see you branching out from "24." Instead of a government agent who alternates between barking orders and quiet menace, you're playing ... a government agent who alternates between barking orders and quiet menace. Genius! (Thank youuuu!)

Eva Longoria: I bet you thought she was just a pretty face and a tight ass. Well, you're wrong. She's a pretty face and a really tight ass. Seriously, if you've going to show up for work, try and bring something to the table, Mrs. Parker.

Kim Basinger: She actually could have been OK here -- right age, and still looking all right. But ever since I saw her play Eminen's mom and straddle a guy in her trailer ... well, that's not very presidential, ma'am.

David Rasche: Who? Why, "Sledge Hammer," that's who! That's right, the goof who talked to his gun, named "Gun," in a short-lived '80s sitcom now plays the Commander in Chief. He's not bad per se, but he also doesn't really have anything to do here. And dude, he's Sledge Hammer.

Martin Donovan: I don't think I saw this guy before "Insomnia" a few years back, and since then he's popped up a few times, from "Saved!" (the rockin' preacher) to "Weeds" (a DEA agent). Not a bad actor, and not bad here. But there's nothing to his character, so it's kind of a waste.

Like I said at the top, not a bad cast. But the actors are largely left going through the motions with a stale script and plot that, in the end, doesn't make much sense. One last quibble: The ha-ha thing in the credits by the director, Clark Johnson. He also plays the assassinated agent but is billed as "Clarque Johnson." This is after he listed his bit part in "S.W.A.T." as "Deke's Handsome Partner." Man, that's hilarious.

No, really. I'm dying here.

Really.

Ass.