Yessir, that's my baby!: "Seeds of Deception"

It took a year, but I think we have our first Lifetime movie on Movievangelist. And starring Melissa Gilbert, no less. Yep, just go ahead and stab me in the eye.

Normally when My Beloved Bride TiVos something from Lifetime -- the channel for women and gay men -- I scoff ... loudly. In fact, I need to get cracking on the rules for "The Lifetime Movie Drinking Game." Really, wouldn't this be a great way for men to enjoy these crappy movies? "Based on a true story: drink two ... adultery: drink one ... one person slaps another: drink one ... crying: social!" This totally could work.

So yeah, like most red-blooded males, I laugh at Lifetime. I laughed the hardest at the details of "Seeds of Deception," which read something like "Woman learns her son has fertility doctor's DNA." That's awesome, and in a moment of weakness, I told my wife I would watch this with her.

As you'll see here, this also is based on the true story -- drink two -- of a guy who called himself "the Babymaker." Seriously, how can you not laugh at this? It turns out this "doctor" used his own sperm instead of that from donors to father several babies through artificial insemination. That may not be funny to those families, I'll grant you. But when you have teddy-bear actor George Dzundza -- a perpetual sidekick better known from such movies as "No Way Out" and "Basic Instinct" -- hamming it up at the doctor, it's a riot.

I won't belabor this point and pretend this is a real movie, but let's just say Dzundza is hilariously slimy, Gilbert is over-the-top melodramatic -- I counted four or five Emmy-type clips -- and the other unknown actors all are one-note bad. But hey, how many movies do you get to see a kid wearing an eye patch and not pretending to be a pirate? Gotta love that lazy eye, especially when it came from your doctor.