Not to be confused with an Oscar-nominated film of the same name: "Crash"

When David Cronenberg gave us "Scanners," it was fun to see people blow up each other's heads with their minds. (And you can't go wrong with Michael Ironside.)

"The Fly" was a gross but ultimately OK sci-fi movie, with a perfectly-cast Jeff Goldblum.

And just last year, Cronenberg showed he could deliver a critically-acclaimed and practically mainstream drama with "A History of Violence."

"Crash," on the other hand, sucks.

Almost anyone who's into movies has heard about the first "Crash," which predates the current Oscar-nominated film by more than eight years. One girl told me a year after "Crash" came out that "you'll never want to have sex again" after seeing it. Others merely say it's damn weird.

While I'm happy to report that I'm still all for doing the nasty -- ruling out the former claim -- I'll affirm the latter. The movie is weird, to say the least. But please don't mistake that for "quirky" or "intriguing." By "weird," I mean bizarrely stupid, and not in a cool way.

Our story -- and that's being generous -- has James Spader and Deborah Kara Unger as a married couple who apparently are bonking other people to keep their sex life hopping. After Spader is in a car crash, he discovers some oddball group in which members get off on car crashes. Hey, he thinks, that sounds neat! Hell, how could you not?

Also involved in Spader's wreck is Holly Hunter, and joining the proceedings before long are Elias Koteas (Duncan from "Some Kind of Wonderful") and Rosanna Arquette (who inspired a Toto song of the same name). Over the course of an hour or so, these folks get all excited about cars and sex and how they can have sex in cars, either wrecked or about to be wrecked. Koteas already is scarred from a wreck, and Arquette has some kind of leg braces. These disfigurements turn on heretofore "normal" people Spader and Unger.

But all this talk of "plot" really is just an excuse for three things to happen:
1. Each female lead to stare off into the distance and expose a breast every 20 minutes or so.
2. Spader to slobber over various characters' scars (including Koteas).
3. Everyone to crawl into a car at one point or another and fondle the interior.

It's all rather stupid, not provocative at all, and I'd be stunned if any critic saw this as "daring" and "groundbreaking." I'm not saying it's porn or disgusting, either, just dumb. Hey, nobody will confuse Cronenberg with Orson Welles, but come on, you're capable of a story, Dave.

I'd say it's a shame to see such actors wasted, but it's not, really. Sure, Hunter has an Oscar, but she's been known to brain-fart on roles. Spader always was looking for that breakthrough movie role but has slipped into a comfortable TV gig on "Boston Legal." (Still, I loved his smarmy turns in "Pretty in Pink" and "Less Than Zero," and "Secretary" was OK, too.)

Then we have Unger, who is plenty easy on the eyes but is mostly cursed to be seen and not heard. I may not have seen her entire filmography, but I bet Unger's most high-profile work was in "The Game," one year after "Crash." Don't recall her pressing a bare breast against the hood of a car in that one, but she was still OK.