Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Hands-down the best movie about a philosophy-spouting bartender who drives a Mercedes and lives in a barn: "Road House"

There are certain unquestionable joys in life: finding a $20 on the sidewalk, watching your team come from behind to win, having a first date that ends with breakfast and catching "Road House" in its full, not-edited-for-TV glory.

Really, when a movie has become one of the staples of TBS/TNT, it's downright bizarre to see the unfiltered version. Yet that's what I stumbled across when scanning the high-definition channels on my cable system recently. I don't think the movie itself was high-def -- hey, we can get only so lucky -- but there was plenty to take in when not taking break to learn about how TNT knows drama, comedy, etc.

First, the movie was in widescreen -- all the better to really feel like you're in the Double Deuce. Then there was all the swearing, which didn't seem out of place by any stretch but still flowed a lot more freely than in the edited version. As for the violence, we got one key scene at the end of the movie -- when our hero, Dalton, inflicts a kill move -- that almost never makes it on TBS. Some people just can't handle a guy's throat being ripped out.

But without a doubt the most jarring difference between versions was my personal favorite, nudity. Not only do we get a little more exposure to Dalton's girl, played by Kelly Lynch, but the impromptu striptease by the "bad girl" is carried out to its conclusion vs. a cutaway shot. Hello, blondie! Even more enjoyable might have neen the other, random boob shots, from a bouncer banging a girl in a backroom to parties at the villain's pool.

But perhaps I'm getting too off-focus here. After all, "Road House" is always good fun, in any version. Let us count the ways:
1. Our hero, played by Patrick Swayze ("Steel Dawn), is the toughest guy around and can tame any crappy bar. Never mind that he's a philosophy major from New York with fancy clothes, flowing locks and waaaaay too much oil on the chest while doing his Zen-yoga-ta chi workout on the riverbank.
2. His buddy/mentor, played by Sam Elliott, seems more the classic bouncer/cooler but is impossible to take seriously thanks to his dialogue (more on this in a bit) and general Sam Elliott-ness. (Not to be confused with Eliot Ness) You know what I'm talking about. Just rent "The Big Lebowski."
3. The girl, the aforementioned Lynch, has some of the most unfortunate hair I've ever seen in my life. Really, Aquanet should give her a lifetime endorsement contract. But the romance between her and Dalton? Totally believable.
4. The villain has two fatal flaws: (A) His name is Brad Wesley. Yeah, Brad. (B) He's played by Ben Gazzara, who may have played Al Capone in the '70s but has never struck me as a tough guy. Just consider his clothes, especially the straw hat and amount of pink he wears. Call me old-fashioned.

As any 25-44 man should know, "Road House" has Dalton trying to make the Double Deuce a nice bar. Alas, the local kingpin, Mr. Wesley, would rather keep Dalton under his thumb with the rest of the sh*tty little town. Oh, and did we mention Dalton's new girlfriend used to be with Wesley. Do you think there's going to be some kind of showdown?

You get a sense from the above comments how good this movie is -- not very -- yet it remains one of the greatest guilty pleasures of all time. Why? Maybe it's the dialogue. There are too many great lines to choose from, but consider these five:
1. "Pain don't hurt." (Thanks, college boy.)
2. "I want you to be nice until it's time to not be nice." (Oh, I see.)
3. "That gal's got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that." (Someone's been watching Dr. Phil again.)
4. "It's my way ... or the highway." (I forget, did Confucius or Aristotle say that?)
5. "What am I supposed to do?" "There's always barber college." (This one actually was kind of funny.)

Good stuff, huh? Maybe that's why I keep coming back. Well, that and Ben Gazzara.

4 Comments:

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