Movies come and go, but truly horrible acting is eternal: "Highlander"

Really, what is the deal with Christopher Lambert?

It's a question philosophers have tried to answer for years, much like "Who would win, Blue Thunder or Airwolf?" and "Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?" Anyone who has watched a Lambert "performance" can't help but wonder, "Why is this guy so terrible, and how does he keep making movies?"

Sure, Lambert hasn't achieved the heights of, say, Keanu "Whoa" Reeves or Andie "My son is dead! He is DEAD!" McDowell -- perhaps the worst mainstream "actors" of my day. But he's been in a bunch of movies, and I honestly can't figure out why. In fact, the more I learn, the more perplexed I get. Consider, for instance, this tidbit from IMDB: "The patented, intense gaze he often shows in his roles is the result of myopia at an early age." And here I thought he was just trying really hard to remember his lines.

Among Lambert "films," "Highlander" is no doubt the most well-known, achieving a cult status that eventually led to a couple of sequels and a TV series. While I've seen none of the crap that followed, I must claim the original as a guilty pleasure. Well, "pleasure" may be too strong a word. Between Lambert's goofy accent and stilted line readings, "punishment" is more appropriate. Who knew I had such a masochistic streak?

Even those who've never seen "Highlander" -- imagine that! -- know the basic story. Lambert is some kind of immortal from 16th-century Scotland who is taught the ways of sword battle by another immortal, Sean "Gimme My Paycheck, Dammit" Connery. Meanwhile, in modern-day New York, Lambert does battle with our villain, the imcomparable Clancy Brown, while wooing an ancient sword expert (Roxanne "Don't Worry If You Don't Know My Name Since I've Never Been In Anything Big" Hart). The story is told in flashback-flashforward, with the Scotland and New York scenes all mixed up. This is to show us that Lambert and Brown have been playing cat and mouse all through time. Because they're immortal. Get it?

Not sure why I've seen this crappy movie some six or seven times. My best guess is a combination of the following reasons:
1. The idea of guys doing sword battle -- "There can be only one!" -- in New York is funny, mainly because that totally could happen.
2. Connery playing a horribly-dressed Spanish-Egyptian and so obviously mailing in his performance is rather amusing. C;mon ... you were James Bond, man!
3. Clancy Brown has fun with the bad guy role and is one of my favorite supporting actors, and not just because we went to the same college. (Any resume that includes "The Shawshank Redepemption," "Starship Troopers" and "Buckaroo Banzai" speaks for itself.)
4. The group Queen does the soundtrack. Hey, they're half the reason "Flash Gordon" was so good.

So yeah, there's really no compelling reason why anyone should make a point to see "Highlander," which is why it's so weird that so many have. It sure as hell isn't because of Lambert, who can barely speak English; the only other movie of his I've seen is "Knight Moves," and that was because of Diane "I'm Thisclose To Dropping Josh Brolin And Calling My Man Jefferson" Lane. Maybe there really are that many guys out there who like to imagine swinging broadswords around the streets of Manhattan. But like I said, you could pretty much do that yourself if you wanted.