Monday, June 13, 2005

Of course, when you mention "Trojan" now, people think of a different kind of armor: "Troy"

Hi. My name is Jeff, and I'm a heterosexual male who likes Brad Pitt. ("Hi, Jeff!")

Yeah, I said it, and it's true. Brad Pitt is all right in my book. True, the fact that he has the luxury of choosing between Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie -- oh, after he broke that engagement to Gwyneth Paltrow a few years back -- should mean he must die. But I've always thought that Pitt (a) could act, especially for a pretty boy, and (b) seemed like a decent guy, at least in some of his more well-chosen roles.

Really, let's take a look: "Fight Club," "Ocean's Eleven," "Twelve Monkeys," "Seven," even "Kalifornia" ... all good turns. Sure, you have to put up with a "Meet Joe Black" -- never seen it, never will -- and "The Mexican" every now and then. But by and large, Pitt comes to play, and he could be a hell of lot worse for being so good looking.

All this is to say I was curious about "Troy," even if it followed a little too close to "Gladiator." Before breaking it down, though, a bone to pick with Netflix. I'm not expecting Updike-like prose on the DVD sleeve, but when you end the synopsis for "Troy" with "Positively Homeric!" Um, no. It's crap like this that makes me take another look at Blockbuster, bud.

As for "Troy," it's disappointing, but you probably knew that by now. Hey, it's a great story, this whole Greece vs. Troy battle royale after a Trojan prince steals the beautiful Helen from Sparta in Greece. I mean, consider the terms we use today from this tale, i.e. Trojan horse and Achilles heel. And Wolfgang Petersen of "Das Boot" and "Air Force One" fame takes great pains to show off the scope of this production, from hundreds of boats sailing to Troy to a bunch of spear- and shield-toting soldiers mixing it up. No quibbles with the movie's look, from the sweeping landscapes to the chiseled bodies. Yes, Brad, we know you have a tight ass. Throw a skirt on, for god's sake.

Alas, it's all looks and no soul here. A couple of performances weren't too bad; Eric Bana made for a decent Hector, prince of Troy and older brother to Orlando Bloom's Paris, whose theft of Helen started the whole mess. And I suppose Peter O'Toole as the king of Troy was OK, too. Beyond that, though, everyone either goes through the motions or futilely thinks blank faces and stilted speech automatically means "stoic." Even pros such as Brian Cox don't impress; I couldn't tell the difference between this performance and that in "X-Men 2," and I'm pretty sure Homer didn't write that one.

Everyone else is similarly disappointing. Pitt pretty much has to be humorless as Achilles, but that doesn't work for him. Bloom is a pantywaist as Paris, and it's hard to believe I thought Legolas was relatively cool. The women -- Diane Kruger as Helen, Saffron Burrows as Hector's wife -- aren't bad, but that's because they don't have much to do. By the time I got to the Trojan horse scene, let's just say that wasn't the only big, flashy package that turned out to be hollow.

1 Comments:

At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more about Brad Pitt. I'd also throw in Snatch to any list of his great roles. What I like most about his choice of roles is that he picks a lot of different characters (see Snatch and 12 Monkeys) and doesn't just settle for the safe Ocean's 11/Legends of the Fall roles he could easily make a career off of.

 

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