Coming next ... "More Reservoir Dogs: Guys Named After Shapes": "Clerks II"

Flash back to when the trailer for this movie was out last year. I knew then it would bite, and even though the reviews were surprisingly kind -- pegging the film as merely mediocre -- I still abstained from seeing it on the big screen. I would have avoided it on the small one, too, but I kept hearing about this funny "Star Wars"-"Lord of the Rings" debate, and I remembered Jay doing his "Silence of the Lambs" dance from the trailer. So I had those two things going for me when watching this while my wife was out of town.

Sadly, those are pretty much the high points of the movie. Well, and Rosario Dawson dancing. And that's about it.

I can't say I'm disappointed because I didn't expect much, cringing at this idea of this movie more than the (actually funny) "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back." Our story has the guys from "Clerks," thanks to a fire at the Quick Stop, working at a fictional fast-food restaurant called Mooby's. Dante, the uptight one, is about to quit and move to Florida with his fiancee, whose dad has a job for him. Randal, the irresponsible one, is ... well, irresponsible, content to simply go to his dead-end job and do little else. Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob hang out behind the restaurant, and a cast of zany supporting characters and cameos complete the scene.

Let's get one thing out the way: There's a reason the guys who play Dante (Brian O'Halloran) and Randal (Jeff Anderson) haven't been in many other movies since "Clerks" came out way back in 1994. Take away the movies by Kevin Smith, director of "Clerks" and its offspring, and these guys have been in almost as many movies in the last 13 years as I have. Why? They can't act.

Oh, they mean well. They really do. But neither has any range at all, which doesn't help Smith's attempts to give "Clerks II" some depth. As a result, these characters are so one-note -- and in Dante's case, haven't aged well -- that it's much more painful to watch than in "Clerks." Back then, it was OK to be a bad actor and follow a simple script because the movie cost less than $30,000 to make. Now that Smith has some cash, we expect more. Or at least I do.

Dawson helps a little, even if there's no way I believe her character would go for Dante. And sure, there are some funny scenes. Randal's general torment of his innocent, young co-worker, Elias, is amusing, as are his riffs on racism and a certain orifice-to-orifice practice. The "Silence of the Lambs" bit is as good as promised, even if that's more Jay than I need to see. The "Star Wars"-"Lord of the Rings" scene? Eh, OK. Could have been better.

Some people -- namely Kool-Aid-drinking Kevin Smith fans -- might praise other parts, like the whole donkey show episode. But it didn't do much for me, and the more mature content -- the lovey-dovey, not the sex talk -- really fell flat. I also didn't go for the final scene, which tries to bring this whole 12-year odyssey through Smith's world full circle. Can we just go back to 1994, when Silent Bob didn't have any cash? Now that was a good movie. Almost as good as "Best of Both Worlds." (Hey, I like to expand my horizons.)