Not nearly as funny as when Phil Hartman was the tour guide: "The Rock"

C'mon ... from "So I Married an Axe Murderer?" He played "Vicki?" Anybody? Hello?

(Just so you don't miss out, here's the best part of Vicki's tour: "Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a 'b*tch.' And one night, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a make-shift knife, or 'shiv,' and cut out the b*tch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns p!ssing into the b*tch's ocular cavities. (Pause) This way to the cafeteria!")

I seem to recall "The Rock" coming out longer ago than it actually did. Instead of the early '90s, though, it was 1996. So I guess it just seems like Michael Bay has been delivering sh*t for a long time.

Wait ... that's not fair. True, "Armageddon" was overblown crap, "Pearl Harbor," I heard, was a wreck and "Bad Boys II" was uninteresting enough that I didn't get to the second half. But "The Rock" -- Bay's sophomore effort after winning attention with "Bad Boys" -- wasn't all noise. While I'd stop short of saying there was "substance" here, the movie generally works as a brisk actioner with a solid cast and fun, albeit cartoonish, characters.

"The Rock" gives us a rogue Army general (Ed Harris) whose crew steals deadly nerve gas and takes hostages at Alcatraz Island, threatening to unleash the gas on the Bay Area unless the U.S. government gives money to the families of officers who died during secret operations. The only way to stop these guys is to sneak into Alcatraz. The only way to do that is with the help of the only guy to break out, a British Army guy played by Sean Connery. Once you find the gas, of course, you need to disarm the missiles. That's when a chemical weapons expert (Nicolas Cage) comes in.

Also in the mix are a bunch of solid supporting players: Michael Biehn, David Morse, William Forsythe, John Spencer ... even Tony Todd. Yeah, the Candyman! It's a good cast, and not a bad story. Really, how could you not get pumped up for an assault on Alcatraz, led by the best James Bond ever as a military prisoner who could go off the reservation at any moment?

This was probably the third or fourth time I'd seen "The Rock," and while it still was entertaining, a few holes are starting to show. One, it's awfully hard to swallow this attack on Alcatraz in general -- the speed at which it comes together, the wild cards of Connery and Cage, etc. Second, the "villain," Harris, is just too sympathetic for this kind of B-movie plot. Third, the dialogue -- while meant to be humorous -- is much too forced and ends up funny in a different way than intended. Consider these lines:

-- Stanley Goodspeed (Cage; yeah, some name): You know, I like history too, and maybe when this is all over you and I can stop by the souvenir shop together. But right now, I just ... I just wanna find some rockets!
-- Goodspeed: Look, I'm just a biochemist. Most of the time, I work in a little glass jar and lead a very uneventful life. I drive a Volvo ... a beige one. But what I'm dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances the earth has ever known, so what say you cut me some friggin' slack?
-- John Mason (Connery): Are you sure you're ready for this?
Goodspeed: I'll do my best.
Mason: Your "best?" Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*ck the prom queen.
(NOTE: If this exchange ended here, it would have been funny. Alas ... )
Goodspeed: Carla was the prom queen.

(Ooooh ... burn.)

Like I said, "The Rock" is decent popcorn fare, and even if it takes a little bit for the real Alcatraz fun to get going, Bay keeps things moving and tension high. Nobody will ever confuse him with Spielberg or even Tarantino, but it's a safe bet that most people who go for this kind of fare check their brains at the door. You know, kind of like what Cage did with his next effort, "Con Air." Compared with that, "The Rock" is "Lawrence of Arabia." Well, with fewer camels, I guess.